A year ago............

The first arrest warrant was approved by the judge.............

Transport was running late. They doubled booked his transport during the morning arraignment schedule. So we waited patiently. The doors opened. Then he was there, walking into the courtroom, handcuffed and shackled. His face was rough, and his eyes were deep and dark. This once was the man I married, I pledged myself to. Now this stranger with a familiar face is shuffling into courtroom. I looked down and saw his shoes, open toed. He hated those types of shoes. That’s why he never wore flip flops. It was one of the first things I thought to myself while he walked to the bench. The only thing that stopped me from continuing to stare at him was the officer that approached me. I was told I was not allowed to look at the prisoner, or make any eye contact. Prisoner, but this is my husband. How could I not look at him? This was the father of my children, the man I promised to love for life. Here he was, in county blues. And our life together flashed through my eyes. Christmases, our wedding day, the birth of our two children. The tears stung my eyes, and my legs went weak. I braced myself against the bench, and looked directly at the judge. I stiffened my back, and told myself that this moment would define me. I dug deep, found my internal strength, and proceeded with the hearing. The Berry Matter. After that hearing I ran out of the courthouse, pushing the tears back, until I found the safety of my car. Then it released…….like a flood. A pain so profoundly deep, a sob so hard it shook my body. How could this be happening? When will this stop? And when he is released, is he going to make me pay?

Confusion, lies, and the end result..........

After my marriage, I shut down completely. I know that the person he used to be, was my soulmate. We were and will always be connected in a way I thought I'd never experience with anyone else. That feeling in your gut, when your so close that you know what is going on with that person even if they are miles away. That true connection we all look for. I had it, and then it was gone. Heartbroken I moved on, moved forward. But there was a piece of me that shut down.

Fear, a powerful drug, I abused it. I was scared of being so deeply hurt again. I used it to push people away, or to even stop potential love from happening. Not all of it was from being broken hearted, the majority stemmed from my highly dysfunctional childhood. Not having solid examples of healthy relationships, I tried to connect dots myself. Watching my father abuse the people around him, get arrested, and the addiction to drugs molded my early relationships with men. Our pasts create our future, define who we are. And if we run from it, sooner or later it catches up to us. You can never truly run from your own shadow.

So I met a wonderful man, married him, had children with him, and watched our love fall apart. I watched my past catch up with me. The things I feared, the things I did not want to happen to me as an adult, exploded in my face. Patterns emerged, fear was in full control.

I closed my heart, and figured fear had served me well. It was survival for quite a long time, and it was where I needed to be. But as I moved forward, I stuck my head out again to find the sun. I started to take baby steps, to trust that my feet could carry me where I needed to go. And I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, love could find me again. I opened myself up to it. Decided God would figure it out for me, and let it flow.

So then someone was brought into my life. Unexpectedly, and surprisingly. I know there are lessons in every experience, and my friends urged me to just let it flow. I saw my distrustful nature play out before my eyes, and stopped listening to my intuition. I decided to throw away my careful nature, and trust the words of the man before me. Me, who I thought would never be capable of romantic love again, started to fall. But here is the thing about falling.......it hurts when you hit the ground.

Now lies are flying around me, confusion on why anyone would start this type of situation, or play with the emotions of others. Others have been impacted which is the worst part of this whole thing. But I have to step back and ask myself - what did I learn? I was given a huge gift from this situation, that I am capable of love. I was able to push away my fears, and dip my toes back in the water. Progress, not perfection.

No relationship is ever perfect, but I think I can say I won't give up on love. It's beautiful, and it's available to all of us. Jealousy, lies, fear.......takes us further away from our true selves. I'd rather be closer to God.

A child's Christmas wish............

I find myself with tons of words in my head, and not a clue how to get them out. I'm sure I'm not the only one that struggles to get the words from the head to the mouth, or in this instance fingers. The thing that has flowed freely in the last few days are tears.

Every Christmas I feel excited, I feel childlike and carefree. I love the holiday season. It reminds me of peace, love, and lights. The wonder of walking around Dovewood Court with my mom, looking at the thousands of lights. Or the feast. Or the tree. It has never been about presents, or gifts for me. In fact, I asked my ex to not buy me gifts. Looking back on that......perhaps that was a little bit of a mistake. Really, what girl says that? But the things he did give me have much sentimental value. Once I had children, any resource I've had I directed to them.

Even last year, with all the court dates and arrest warrants for my ex..........I got my tree. I decorated. I was festive. I faked it for my girls. This year is quite different. It wasn't until yesterday I finally put decorations up. However, my thought process was: be festive for my girls. What happened was a huge trigger for my daughter. It finally hit home, Daddy won't be here for Christmas.


I held her again, in my arms, while she cried so hard and so deep the upstairs neighbors heard. The gut wrenching moan that came from her little body broke me. The realization that is there NOTHING I can do to make this situation better. Nothing I can do to take away her pain. It was too much. Tears streamed down my face as I wrapped her up in my arms."Everyone has a daddy but ME. Even my divorce friends have daddies. I don't have a daddy, he's gone forever!!!!" she shouted at me.

As a parent, I think we strive to protect our children. None of us want our children to experience pain, even tho it's a part of life. How do you comfort a child with a broken heart? I haven't figured it out. In fact I'm clueless.

She doesn't need someone to take his place, but she needs answers. Answers she can't possibly understand. I have them, but I can't tell her. I feel like I'm holding secrets, but I do it to protect them. Soon enough they will know the truth. But how can a 7 year old understand the mental breakdown her father had? Most adults don't even get it.

So the one gift my children want, I can't give them. No amount of logic will change the guilt I feel about this. I would do anything to bring him back sane and safe. It would truly take a Christmas miracle for that to happen.

The things you can do.........

It's funny, the things you can do. Huh? Well, it's really pushing past our own sense of limitations. Zoolights, a holiday tradition we've been doing for the past 4 years. Every day after Thanksgiving (weather permitting) we head down to the Zoo for the annual Zoolight celebration.

Last year was the first post separation trip to Zoolights, but I brought a friend with us. So it didn't feel so, well.....lonely. But it did end up feeling that way just the same. Walking around the Zoo without a hand to hold felt empty. It just simply wasn't the same, wasn't as magical. Actually, it was painful. Not to have him there to experience the charm of Zoolights not only for myself, but the girls. It was like all the memories of years past flipped through my head like a still movie. His face, his laugh, his warmth. It was like a nice punch to the gut. Happy holidays right?

So this year, it was that time again. Tis the season, blah blah blah. I decided if the rain held off, we would make the trek to Zoolights to enjoy some holiday festivites. I prayed for rain. Of course, when you want it to rain it never does. I even tried to delay it by stopping at a friend's house hoping by the time we left it would be pouring. No luck. Here alone, for the first time, I embarked wearing my single mom badge out to a holiday outing.

For some reason I set this limit in my head, and this wasn't the first time I noticed it, about what I can and can't do alone. After 10 years, you become to used to having that right hand person. Without them, you can feel lost. At least I did. But I don't now, because being alone was a huge gift. The gift of having to be truly present with my girls. How so?

Honey - can you get the girls while I get some drinks? Honey - take the girls to the bathroom while I wait out here. Honey, honey, honey...........

I was so busy "doing" that I wasn't "being". Being there, to watch the expressions on the girls face when they saw the lights. Or felt the cold. Or ate cotton candy. I got to hold the hand of my daughter while she engulfed herself in the magic of the holiday season. Feel the joy radiate off of them when they saw something that made them smile so large it was almost tangible. I was too busy taking them to use the bathroom, or getting drinks, or whatever was needed. This time I HAD to be present. I loved every minute of it.

It didn't mean that his presence wasn't felt, missed, or honored. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like a hand to hold the next time I enjoy this experience. However, I know I can be alone and it's okay. In fact......I kinda like it.

The beginning after the end

I've always been a writer or a blogger in some shape or form. It's always helped me think, figure out my head. I stepped away from blogging during the breakdown in my marriage. But it wasn't just blogging, I stepped away from everything. Myself included. Now in the aftermath of my divorce, I sit here looking around at the life I am left with. Although life is full of our own choices, sometimes the decisions of others carry much weight in the life we can live ourselves.

I started my book in August of this year, and as I wrote it, the more pain I felt around the entire experience. Many people have asked me what has happened, because during the process itself I disappeared. Survival mode. What else can you do when someone is trying to destroy you. It was one day at a time. The sickness of mental illness completely broke down my life, as my ex-husband, the love of my life, became someone I no longer knew. A mad man, completely lost, and out for revenge. How do you protect yourself against someone you love with all your heart, but is now your biggest threat?

And the children. My two beautiful girls. The love and fear they carry. The aftermath. So why now? Why blog now. Simply two reasons. One, I know I am not the only person to loose someone to severe mental illness. However the process is utterly isolating. Secondly, because I've been asked to share my story and life. People think what I've experienced and continue to experience has merit. You never know what the future holds, but we are who we are by the experiences that shape our lives. So here I start a new experience to see what happens.

And I do have a sense of humor, a rather wicked one. I think it kept me afloat during the past year and a half. I'm a very candid, honest person. Probably to a fault. But I'm also very guarded and protected. I'm trying to figure out the rest. Through bad decisions, lousy jokes, and a flood of tears. I'm redefining myself now. Join me.......