When a fire burns.............

When you have 10 seconds, and your life is flashing before your eyes......what do you do? How do you react? What is important, what is vital? How do your priorities shuffle? In a moment everything can be lost, and life can take a turn you never thought it could take. Even if it is all "okay", is it ever the same?

No......it isn't. Not if it matters. When your angels cup you in their hands, and God cradles you...........it then becomes your job to make sense of it all. In a time of my life where I have lost so much, I almost lost it all. Well, "all". The material things. Because the important things were able to run out of my house, watching flames shoot out of the walls.

All the things I treat so importantly, stupid shit. Laptops, cell phones, expensive purses. None of it mattered. My girls, their things........my focus. Don't get me wrong, I know I love my children. But that love got put to the ultimate test. I tend to be a pretty selfish person sometimes, but when push comes to shove, my heart showed me the way. Then God took care of the rest.

Now I'm just left with this uneasiness, this fear. What if's are running though my head. I'm lucky to be alive, what if I would of not seen the flames shoot out, what if we weren't home? It would of burnt up. I know I wasn't the one that put out that fire. There was an angel that did that. A protector, a guardian. Because the first time I tried to put it out, I failed. In that moment, I thought to myself......I'm gonna loose it all.....OMG.....

But my all was already standing outside the door, safe. The rest was just stuff. The people we love, can never be replaced. That is the truth of life, everything else is just bullshit.

I live a really blessed life, and I am so grateful for every moment I breathe. I know i'm not promised those moments.....so it's those moments i'm thinking about. How do I make the most of the moments i'm above ground.

I've been deeply thinking about purpose. In church on Sunday the sermon was on living authentically.....and how when you live in your joy it actually brings you closer to God. Duh right? Seems simple, but how often do I really do what I love? I'm too busy doing the stuff i'm supposed to do. But is it what I love?

Dance more......sing loudly......love with abandon. These are things I can do now, today, this moment. It's simple, and the rewards are great.

The absence of projection.........

We used to joke around, that I could only do any sort of math correctly if I was at Nordstroms trying to figure a sale price. He was right, because anything else was an epic fail. So when Anya went into Kindergarten he was tasked with all math homework. The upside to being married to someone so intelligent was I could just default to him. Plus, she wasn't trying to figure out sale prices yet.

So tonight, while teaching Anya to carry numbers in double digit addition I felt your absence. The projection of the life I was supposed to have, and the reality of what truly is. It wasn't supposed to be me teaching her these things, and the fact that you weren't sitting at the table hurt me down to the core of my soul. The loss of your presence in the girls' lives. Somedays it weighs on my heart, and then I see you in their eyes. The person you were, and helped shape these girls to be.

You got me roses on Valentines Day 3 years ago. I remember how my only thoughts were - how could you spend that much money on flowers that will die? I didn't appreciate the kind thought. Now, there are no roses this Valentines Day. I never thought there wouldn't be another, and if there was I probably wouldn't of given you the validation you deserved. There were so many mistakes, and I pointed the finger. In your kindness I rejected you.

Everyday that passes is a day closer to a year, and everyday that passes is a day you can't ever get back. Memories are made in moments that can never be relived. Sometimes we are pushed into a path to walk in this world that we didn't ask for. We have to trust that there is a master plan, let go of our false sense of control, and take steps in faith. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, even in my anger or sorrow. You shaped the person I am now, and I honor you for that. It's time for me to let go of the hope of your return to your girls, because maybe if I finally let you go you can finally find me. It's time to learn from the mistakes I made in my past, and to do that I have to admit them first. And after I do that, I let you go.........