The things you can do.........

It's funny, the things you can do. Huh? Well, it's really pushing past our own sense of limitations. Zoolights, a holiday tradition we've been doing for the past 4 years. Every day after Thanksgiving (weather permitting) we head down to the Zoo for the annual Zoolight celebration.

Last year was the first post separation trip to Zoolights, but I brought a friend with us. So it didn't feel so, well.....lonely. But it did end up feeling that way just the same. Walking around the Zoo without a hand to hold felt empty. It just simply wasn't the same, wasn't as magical. Actually, it was painful. Not to have him there to experience the charm of Zoolights not only for myself, but the girls. It was like all the memories of years past flipped through my head like a still movie. His face, his laugh, his warmth. It was like a nice punch to the gut. Happy holidays right?

So this year, it was that time again. Tis the season, blah blah blah. I decided if the rain held off, we would make the trek to Zoolights to enjoy some holiday festivites. I prayed for rain. Of course, when you want it to rain it never does. I even tried to delay it by stopping at a friend's house hoping by the time we left it would be pouring. No luck. Here alone, for the first time, I embarked wearing my single mom badge out to a holiday outing.

For some reason I set this limit in my head, and this wasn't the first time I noticed it, about what I can and can't do alone. After 10 years, you become to used to having that right hand person. Without them, you can feel lost. At least I did. But I don't now, because being alone was a huge gift. The gift of having to be truly present with my girls. How so?

Honey - can you get the girls while I get some drinks? Honey - take the girls to the bathroom while I wait out here. Honey, honey, honey...........

I was so busy "doing" that I wasn't "being". Being there, to watch the expressions on the girls face when they saw the lights. Or felt the cold. Or ate cotton candy. I got to hold the hand of my daughter while she engulfed herself in the magic of the holiday season. Feel the joy radiate off of them when they saw something that made them smile so large it was almost tangible. I was too busy taking them to use the bathroom, or getting drinks, or whatever was needed. This time I HAD to be present. I loved every minute of it.

It didn't mean that his presence wasn't felt, missed, or honored. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like a hand to hold the next time I enjoy this experience. However, I know I can be alone and it's okay. In fact......I kinda like it.

The beginning after the end

I've always been a writer or a blogger in some shape or form. It's always helped me think, figure out my head. I stepped away from blogging during the breakdown in my marriage. But it wasn't just blogging, I stepped away from everything. Myself included. Now in the aftermath of my divorce, I sit here looking around at the life I am left with. Although life is full of our own choices, sometimes the decisions of others carry much weight in the life we can live ourselves.

I started my book in August of this year, and as I wrote it, the more pain I felt around the entire experience. Many people have asked me what has happened, because during the process itself I disappeared. Survival mode. What else can you do when someone is trying to destroy you. It was one day at a time. The sickness of mental illness completely broke down my life, as my ex-husband, the love of my life, became someone I no longer knew. A mad man, completely lost, and out for revenge. How do you protect yourself against someone you love with all your heart, but is now your biggest threat?

And the children. My two beautiful girls. The love and fear they carry. The aftermath. So why now? Why blog now. Simply two reasons. One, I know I am not the only person to loose someone to severe mental illness. However the process is utterly isolating. Secondly, because I've been asked to share my story and life. People think what I've experienced and continue to experience has merit. You never know what the future holds, but we are who we are by the experiences that shape our lives. So here I start a new experience to see what happens.

And I do have a sense of humor, a rather wicked one. I think it kept me afloat during the past year and a half. I'm a very candid, honest person. Probably to a fault. But I'm also very guarded and protected. I'm trying to figure out the rest. Through bad decisions, lousy jokes, and a flood of tears. I'm redefining myself now. Join me.......