Loosing my religion......

They say that when people go thought difficult times they begin to question everything around them. I have found that to be true for me. After the survival of last year, I questioned everything I knew. Because all that I did know to be true, was no longer true. You question yourself as a person, who you are, where you fit in this world.

For me, this included my spirituality. I've always been an eclectic sort of person. I have never believe that one religion is the true religion, nor that Jesus was the son of God. In fact, I really didn't care for the "G" word, and always shuddered when someone used it. Religion for me was part of what I found to the bigger problem of things, and prevented us from "one love". But it never meant I didn't have faith.......

But as life evolves we evolve, and change. There has been great change for me, even in the last month. I started letting go of my own hostile feelings about God, realizing God doesn't have to just be the Christian God, but all Gods. All religions. One love. So I started to embrace the word for myself, kinda like owning the word bitch as a woman. Yes......I just used the word bitch in my ramblings about religion.   :)

I can use the word God to describe my relationship with my higher power. But now, what about a community. Where can I go to soothe my soul, feed my spirit, and feel closer to God? Well, most people go to church. My daughter does, and so I decided to take the plunge and follow her lead. For the first time in 20  years, I went to church today.

There are no such things as coincidences, I'm a firm believer in that. Lots of weird things have been popping up, things that I am taking as signs, that it's time for a new direction in my life. And this church, and todays sermon, couldn't of hit me at a better time. The topic, inequalities. Within that topic, the focus was the mentally ill and race. Two things I have deep connection to. I listened as the pastor talked about injustice, asked the congregation what they have seen, and how they could make the world a better place. I listened as he talked about how people get left behind, without voices for themselves. And then he shared a story about a mentally ill son, and the entire time he told the story I held the tears back in my eyes. This homeless man, just like my ex-husband. Racial injustice, and the faces of my biracial children. Women's rights......and the rights still denied to me. Just because Adam pointed his finger at Eve, didn't make her eternally wrong.

It was a powerful experience for me. From the beginning to the end, and even in my meditation, I was profoundly moved. My God certainly put me there today for a reason. Will I be watching the 700 Club anytime soon. Hell no. This sinner is no saint. But I believe in Jesus and his message of love and peace. We are all one, we've just forgotten it. Church is a nice reminder.

Casted shadows........

I've been living life, very happy lately. Loving my new job, new friends, and for the first time in a long time feeling good in my own skin. For the most part, as much as anyone can right?

But sometimes there are moments in life where the shadows creep up on you, and the darkness of the fear wraps around you. For me, there is still much fear. Moments feel scary, decisions feel scary, and so the fear reigns.

I have much to let go in terms of the fear I have around my children. I ache with fear that they will be hurt again. It drives me to a crazy place, a place of raw reaction. Like a lion protecting her cub. But what it doesn't allow is a place to sit back within myself to look at myself rationally.

When the person you thought would never leave your children does, how can you trust anyone else not to do the same?