Nobody knows tomorrow..........

Up, down, up, down........that's how my life feels. Big highs, big lows. Hard choices, tough decisions. Am I on the right path. Lots of praying for signs.......

My day started off with a call with Raphe's lawyer. I was told he accepted the DA's plea bargain, because he wanted to be out of jail. His lawyer gave me parts of his deal, and we talked about the man Raphe used to be, and the man he is now. He asked me if I ever thought Raphe could ever be high functioning again, meaning the person we all used to know. The answer was painfully, no. Things like this change your forever. He's a person I don't know anymore. He needs help, and I thought his arrest was the answer to my prayers. Finally, the help he would need. After 2 weeks, he's been released to the streets again. Homeless, and crazy, he's out. He didn't even get a referral to mental health court. Just left to fend for himself. No one chooses insanity, no one chooses to destroy their lives and hurt the ones they love. I know the man I once knew lives underneath the illness.  Well, parts of him..........I did everything I could. I took the letter Anya wrote to him back in September and faxed it to his lawyer, to give to him.

I had a great lunch with my cousin, and started to dust off the residue of the earlier days events. I had some plans for the day. However the words of my friend kept ringing in my head from a conversation I had with him on Sunday. What do I want? What do I deserve? Basically.........what I needed to find out is what my worth is, and am I strong enough to make some hard choices. Can I walk away from what I want?

Sadly the answer needs to be yes, because I came to the decision that I need to be important. What I finally connect to that is that I miss being important to someone. So sometimes we have to walk away......

And on that drive home, I drove right past Raphe. There he was, on the street. Waiting in line to get into a shelter. And I passed him...........watching years of memories flash in front of my eyes.........and I kept on driving. Away from him, my old life, and into a future quite uncertain.........

When a fire burns.............

When you have 10 seconds, and your life is flashing before your eyes......what do you do? How do you react? What is important, what is vital? How do your priorities shuffle? In a moment everything can be lost, and life can take a turn you never thought it could take. Even if it is all "okay", is it ever the same?

No......it isn't. Not if it matters. When your angels cup you in their hands, and God cradles you...........it then becomes your job to make sense of it all. In a time of my life where I have lost so much, I almost lost it all. Well, "all". The material things. Because the important things were able to run out of my house, watching flames shoot out of the walls.

All the things I treat so importantly, stupid shit. Laptops, cell phones, expensive purses. None of it mattered. My girls, their things........my focus. Don't get me wrong, I know I love my children. But that love got put to the ultimate test. I tend to be a pretty selfish person sometimes, but when push comes to shove, my heart showed me the way. Then God took care of the rest.

Now I'm just left with this uneasiness, this fear. What if's are running though my head. I'm lucky to be alive, what if I would of not seen the flames shoot out, what if we weren't home? It would of burnt up. I know I wasn't the one that put out that fire. There was an angel that did that. A protector, a guardian. Because the first time I tried to put it out, I failed. In that moment, I thought to myself......I'm gonna loose it all.....OMG.....

But my all was already standing outside the door, safe. The rest was just stuff. The people we love, can never be replaced. That is the truth of life, everything else is just bullshit.

I live a really blessed life, and I am so grateful for every moment I breathe. I know i'm not promised those moments.....so it's those moments i'm thinking about. How do I make the most of the moments i'm above ground.

I've been deeply thinking about purpose. In church on Sunday the sermon was on living authentically.....and how when you live in your joy it actually brings you closer to God. Duh right? Seems simple, but how often do I really do what I love? I'm too busy doing the stuff i'm supposed to do. But is it what I love?

Dance more......sing loudly......love with abandon. These are things I can do now, today, this moment. It's simple, and the rewards are great.

The absence of projection.........

We used to joke around, that I could only do any sort of math correctly if I was at Nordstroms trying to figure a sale price. He was right, because anything else was an epic fail. So when Anya went into Kindergarten he was tasked with all math homework. The upside to being married to someone so intelligent was I could just default to him. Plus, she wasn't trying to figure out sale prices yet.

So tonight, while teaching Anya to carry numbers in double digit addition I felt your absence. The projection of the life I was supposed to have, and the reality of what truly is. It wasn't supposed to be me teaching her these things, and the fact that you weren't sitting at the table hurt me down to the core of my soul. The loss of your presence in the girls' lives. Somedays it weighs on my heart, and then I see you in their eyes. The person you were, and helped shape these girls to be.

You got me roses on Valentines Day 3 years ago. I remember how my only thoughts were - how could you spend that much money on flowers that will die? I didn't appreciate the kind thought. Now, there are no roses this Valentines Day. I never thought there wouldn't be another, and if there was I probably wouldn't of given you the validation you deserved. There were so many mistakes, and I pointed the finger. In your kindness I rejected you.

Everyday that passes is a day closer to a year, and everyday that passes is a day you can't ever get back. Memories are made in moments that can never be relived. Sometimes we are pushed into a path to walk in this world that we didn't ask for. We have to trust that there is a master plan, let go of our false sense of control, and take steps in faith. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, even in my anger or sorrow. You shaped the person I am now, and I honor you for that. It's time for me to let go of the hope of your return to your girls, because maybe if I finally let you go you can finally find me. It's time to learn from the mistakes I made in my past, and to do that I have to admit them first. And after I do that, I let you go.........

Loosing my religion......

They say that when people go thought difficult times they begin to question everything around them. I have found that to be true for me. After the survival of last year, I questioned everything I knew. Because all that I did know to be true, was no longer true. You question yourself as a person, who you are, where you fit in this world.

For me, this included my spirituality. I've always been an eclectic sort of person. I have never believe that one religion is the true religion, nor that Jesus was the son of God. In fact, I really didn't care for the "G" word, and always shuddered when someone used it. Religion for me was part of what I found to the bigger problem of things, and prevented us from "one love". But it never meant I didn't have faith.......

But as life evolves we evolve, and change. There has been great change for me, even in the last month. I started letting go of my own hostile feelings about God, realizing God doesn't have to just be the Christian God, but all Gods. All religions. One love. So I started to embrace the word for myself, kinda like owning the word bitch as a woman. Yes......I just used the word bitch in my ramblings about religion.   :)

I can use the word God to describe my relationship with my higher power. But now, what about a community. Where can I go to soothe my soul, feed my spirit, and feel closer to God? Well, most people go to church. My daughter does, and so I decided to take the plunge and follow her lead. For the first time in 20  years, I went to church today.

There are no such things as coincidences, I'm a firm believer in that. Lots of weird things have been popping up, things that I am taking as signs, that it's time for a new direction in my life. And this church, and todays sermon, couldn't of hit me at a better time. The topic, inequalities. Within that topic, the focus was the mentally ill and race. Two things I have deep connection to. I listened as the pastor talked about injustice, asked the congregation what they have seen, and how they could make the world a better place. I listened as he talked about how people get left behind, without voices for themselves. And then he shared a story about a mentally ill son, and the entire time he told the story I held the tears back in my eyes. This homeless man, just like my ex-husband. Racial injustice, and the faces of my biracial children. Women's rights......and the rights still denied to me. Just because Adam pointed his finger at Eve, didn't make her eternally wrong.

It was a powerful experience for me. From the beginning to the end, and even in my meditation, I was profoundly moved. My God certainly put me there today for a reason. Will I be watching the 700 Club anytime soon. Hell no. This sinner is no saint. But I believe in Jesus and his message of love and peace. We are all one, we've just forgotten it. Church is a nice reminder.

Casted shadows........

I've been living life, very happy lately. Loving my new job, new friends, and for the first time in a long time feeling good in my own skin. For the most part, as much as anyone can right?

But sometimes there are moments in life where the shadows creep up on you, and the darkness of the fear wraps around you. For me, there is still much fear. Moments feel scary, decisions feel scary, and so the fear reigns.

I have much to let go in terms of the fear I have around my children. I ache with fear that they will be hurt again. It drives me to a crazy place, a place of raw reaction. Like a lion protecting her cub. But what it doesn't allow is a place to sit back within myself to look at myself rationally.

When the person you thought would never leave your children does, how can you trust anyone else not to do the same?