Nobody knows tomorrow..........

Up, down, up, down........that's how my life feels. Big highs, big lows. Hard choices, tough decisions. Am I on the right path. Lots of praying for signs.......

My day started off with a call with Raphe's lawyer. I was told he accepted the DA's plea bargain, because he wanted to be out of jail. His lawyer gave me parts of his deal, and we talked about the man Raphe used to be, and the man he is now. He asked me if I ever thought Raphe could ever be high functioning again, meaning the person we all used to know. The answer was painfully, no. Things like this change your forever. He's a person I don't know anymore. He needs help, and I thought his arrest was the answer to my prayers. Finally, the help he would need. After 2 weeks, he's been released to the streets again. Homeless, and crazy, he's out. He didn't even get a referral to mental health court. Just left to fend for himself. No one chooses insanity, no one chooses to destroy their lives and hurt the ones they love. I know the man I once knew lives underneath the illness.  Well, parts of him..........I did everything I could. I took the letter Anya wrote to him back in September and faxed it to his lawyer, to give to him.

I had a great lunch with my cousin, and started to dust off the residue of the earlier days events. I had some plans for the day. However the words of my friend kept ringing in my head from a conversation I had with him on Sunday. What do I want? What do I deserve? Basically.........what I needed to find out is what my worth is, and am I strong enough to make some hard choices. Can I walk away from what I want?

Sadly the answer needs to be yes, because I came to the decision that I need to be important. What I finally connect to that is that I miss being important to someone. So sometimes we have to walk away......

And on that drive home, I drove right past Raphe. There he was, on the street. Waiting in line to get into a shelter. And I passed him...........watching years of memories flash in front of my eyes.........and I kept on driving. Away from him, my old life, and into a future quite uncertain.........