The things you can do.........

It's funny, the things you can do. Huh? Well, it's really pushing past our own sense of limitations. Zoolights, a holiday tradition we've been doing for the past 4 years. Every day after Thanksgiving (weather permitting) we head down to the Zoo for the annual Zoolight celebration.

Last year was the first post separation trip to Zoolights, but I brought a friend with us. So it didn't feel so, well.....lonely. But it did end up feeling that way just the same. Walking around the Zoo without a hand to hold felt empty. It just simply wasn't the same, wasn't as magical. Actually, it was painful. Not to have him there to experience the charm of Zoolights not only for myself, but the girls. It was like all the memories of years past flipped through my head like a still movie. His face, his laugh, his warmth. It was like a nice punch to the gut. Happy holidays right?

So this year, it was that time again. Tis the season, blah blah blah. I decided if the rain held off, we would make the trek to Zoolights to enjoy some holiday festivites. I prayed for rain. Of course, when you want it to rain it never does. I even tried to delay it by stopping at a friend's house hoping by the time we left it would be pouring. No luck. Here alone, for the first time, I embarked wearing my single mom badge out to a holiday outing.

For some reason I set this limit in my head, and this wasn't the first time I noticed it, about what I can and can't do alone. After 10 years, you become to used to having that right hand person. Without them, you can feel lost. At least I did. But I don't now, because being alone was a huge gift. The gift of having to be truly present with my girls. How so?

Honey - can you get the girls while I get some drinks? Honey - take the girls to the bathroom while I wait out here. Honey, honey, honey...........

I was so busy "doing" that I wasn't "being". Being there, to watch the expressions on the girls face when they saw the lights. Or felt the cold. Or ate cotton candy. I got to hold the hand of my daughter while she engulfed herself in the magic of the holiday season. Feel the joy radiate off of them when they saw something that made them smile so large it was almost tangible. I was too busy taking them to use the bathroom, or getting drinks, or whatever was needed. This time I HAD to be present. I loved every minute of it.

It didn't mean that his presence wasn't felt, missed, or honored. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like a hand to hold the next time I enjoy this experience. However, I know I can be alone and it's okay. In fact......I kinda like it.