After my marriage, I shut down completely. I know that the person he used to be, was my soulmate. We were and will always be connected in a way I thought I'd never experience with anyone else. That feeling in your gut, when your so close that you know what is going on with that person even if they are miles away. That true connection we all look for. I had it, and then it was gone. Heartbroken I moved on, moved forward. But there was a piece of me that shut down.
Fear, a powerful drug, I abused it. I was scared of being so deeply hurt again. I used it to push people away, or to even stop potential love from happening. Not all of it was from being broken hearted, the majority stemmed from my highly dysfunctional childhood. Not having solid examples of healthy relationships, I tried to connect dots myself. Watching my father abuse the people around him, get arrested, and the addiction to drugs molded my early relationships with men. Our pasts create our future, define who we are. And if we run from it, sooner or later it catches up to us. You can never truly run from your own shadow.
So I met a wonderful man, married him, had children with him, and watched our love fall apart. I watched my past catch up with me. The things I feared, the things I did not want to happen to me as an adult, exploded in my face. Patterns emerged, fear was in full control.
I closed my heart, and figured fear had served me well. It was survival for quite a long time, and it was where I needed to be. But as I moved forward, I stuck my head out again to find the sun. I started to take baby steps, to trust that my feet could carry me where I needed to go. And I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, love could find me again. I opened myself up to it. Decided God would figure it out for me, and let it flow.
So then someone was brought into my life. Unexpectedly, and surprisingly. I know there are lessons in every experience, and my friends urged me to just let it flow. I saw my distrustful nature play out before my eyes, and stopped listening to my intuition. I decided to throw away my careful nature, and trust the words of the man before me. Me, who I thought would never be capable of romantic love again, started to fall. But here is the thing about falling.......it hurts when you hit the ground.
Now lies are flying around me, confusion on why anyone would start this type of situation, or play with the emotions of others. Others have been impacted which is the worst part of this whole thing. But I have to step back and ask myself - what did I learn? I was given a huge gift from this situation, that I am capable of love. I was able to push away my fears, and dip my toes back in the water. Progress, not perfection.
No relationship is ever perfect, but I think I can say I won't give up on love. It's beautiful, and it's available to all of us. Jealousy, lies, fear.......takes us further away from our true selves. I'd rather be closer to God.
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