Transport was running late. They doubled booked his transport during the morning arraignment schedule. So we waited patiently. The doors opened. Then he was there, walking into the courtroom, handcuffed and shackled. His face was rough, and his eyes were deep and dark. This once was the man I married, I pledged myself to. Now this stranger with a familiar face is shuffling into courtroom. I looked down and saw his shoes, open toed. He hated those types of shoes. That’s why he never wore flip flops. It was one of the first things I thought to myself while he walked to the bench. The only thing that stopped me from continuing to stare at him was the officer that approached me. I was told I was not allowed to look at the prisoner, or make any eye contact. Prisoner, but this is my husband. How could I not look at him? This was the father of my children, the man I promised to love for life. Here he was, in county blues. And our life together flashed through my eyes. Christmases, our wedding day, the birth of our two children. The tears stung my eyes, and my legs went weak. I braced myself against the bench, and looked directly at the judge. I stiffened my back, and told myself that this moment would define me. I dug deep, found my internal strength, and proceeded with the hearing. The Berry Matter. After that hearing I ran out of the courthouse, pushing the tears back, until I found the safety of my car. Then it released…….like a flood. A pain so profoundly deep, a sob so hard it shook my body. How could this be happening? When will this stop? And when he is released, is he going to make me pay?
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