The absence of projection.........

We used to joke around, that I could only do any sort of math correctly if I was at Nordstroms trying to figure a sale price. He was right, because anything else was an epic fail. So when Anya went into Kindergarten he was tasked with all math homework. The upside to being married to someone so intelligent was I could just default to him. Plus, she wasn't trying to figure out sale prices yet.

So tonight, while teaching Anya to carry numbers in double digit addition I felt your absence. The projection of the life I was supposed to have, and the reality of what truly is. It wasn't supposed to be me teaching her these things, and the fact that you weren't sitting at the table hurt me down to the core of my soul. The loss of your presence in the girls' lives. Somedays it weighs on my heart, and then I see you in their eyes. The person you were, and helped shape these girls to be.

You got me roses on Valentines Day 3 years ago. I remember how my only thoughts were - how could you spend that much money on flowers that will die? I didn't appreciate the kind thought. Now, there are no roses this Valentines Day. I never thought there wouldn't be another, and if there was I probably wouldn't of given you the validation you deserved. There were so many mistakes, and I pointed the finger. In your kindness I rejected you.

Everyday that passes is a day closer to a year, and everyday that passes is a day you can't ever get back. Memories are made in moments that can never be relived. Sometimes we are pushed into a path to walk in this world that we didn't ask for. We have to trust that there is a master plan, let go of our false sense of control, and take steps in faith. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, even in my anger or sorrow. You shaped the person I am now, and I honor you for that. It's time for me to let go of the hope of your return to your girls, because maybe if I finally let you go you can finally find me. It's time to learn from the mistakes I made in my past, and to do that I have to admit them first. And after I do that, I let you go.........